Your Angry Lover

I make fridays to be my days to discuss love, sex, dating and relationships and I figured this should be easy. I woke up, put gas in the car, got me a mc griddle and orange juice and sat in front on my computer with nothing to say on the subject. So I began procrastinating and watching videos on youtube where I came across the video above which start reminding me of things. In my life and my homies around me, I've seen this happen. Of course they don't say things like this when talking to their girl but they def mention it hanging with their boys talking over drinks and the ones who don't say it, (I've witnessed it at first hand)react on it. I had moments where Im having talks with a friend (too many times this has happened to point out a specific person) and their women (girlfriend, side piece, friends with benefits, etc) would come in, say something that starts an argument and I would have to spend the next 30-45 minutes stopping him from hitting her or breaking things in his own apartment and I could never understand why.

What's crazy is that sometimes it's not even about sex cause they all were getting laid (getting laid is not hard in the hood as they make it seem in these teen/sex comedy movies) but not having that confirmation that she chooses him over everyone, the understanding that he's broken up inside and can't pick up the pieces without cutting themselves would be the only thing to stop bruce from becoming the hulk. Sometimes we just need that touch of acceptance and approval from a woman. Every day we go to work and our side hustles trying to earn enough money to feel good about ourselves and provide the things we want and need (some for ourselves and/or our family) and we have to deal with the competition, the haters, the politics, the drama and going into war day in and day out and it's exhausting because it feels like no matter what you, you don't feel a sense of value and feel worthless and all you need is a quick pick me up. Even something as simple as your lover calmly grazing the end of their finger across anywhere on your body, offering a non verbal (or verbal)vote of confidence or support.

You would be surprised how we can feel like a million dollars just based on that. We need that reassurance. Especially if the situations we were in growing up made us feel worthless, we start looking for acceptance and approval elsewhere. Some people it's church, some people it's the trap (or your work environment for people out the hood), it could be at the club or Hollywood in general but for the people who don't know how to express themselves through art, have no hustling skills, can't figure out if they want Chinese or italian for dinner for the 100th time this week would usually find themselves looking for acceptance and approval through sex and sex today is easy to get. So when a guy doesn't get sex from someone he already is having sex with, had sex with in the past or trying to have sex with now and it doesn't happen, they start feeling unvalued and replaceable and become mad at the world and try to fight everyone including the people they claim they love (family and friends too).

Not just men but women as well. I'm very selective (or picky as some people would say) when it comes to who I sleep with. Most people know I'm celibate with the occasional slip ups (sorry mom, told you I was no angel) and those times I didn't slip up, I defiantly rejected sex to girls who wanted it not knowing the damage I was doing to them. Literally, within minutes their whole behavior changed. The mood would be out the window and it wouldn't be long before they started showing me the door. A few years ago I was hanging with my home boy's little sister. She just turned 19, I was 22. Now because she was my mans baby sister, already in my mind I couldn't touch her. She's family now. She would come over, we'll roll up some loud and chill. I never thought anything of it (I can be a bit naive at times) until she invited me over one day and didn't want anyone else to come with me. I figured she thought my best friend was annoying and didn't want to spark him up. So I get over there, we roll up and spark up in her backyard patio and she keeps giving me these googlely eyes. Like the kids in those old stop motion christmas animations (and I've only see one girl who can pull that look off and I haven't seen her since I left Haiti in 2004).

So I kept asking her if she was okay, thought maybe she was coughing too much of that kush. She told me she was fine but kept staring into my eyes non stop without blinking. Still being naive, we go back into her place and listen to some music while I go through her books (I'm a big a book worm) and she continues to start giving me (what I understood way later) was signals that she wanted me to "take it down". I went to the bathroom and out of no where Frank ocean started playing on my pandora (which was strange because Frank was no where in my playlist at that time). As I pick my nose in the mirror she walks right in, closes the door, shuts off the lights and closes her eyes. I laughed and asked her what she was doing. She tells me "just go with it" keeping her eyes closed and pressing her lips towards me waiting for me to kiss her. I laughed some more and told her to quit playing as I turned backed on the lights. Her mood quickly changed. I don't see her as often as I did back then but when I do, you can feel it in the air that something is wrong. I made her feel less about herself. I didn't see what I was doing wrong at the time but watching this video and thinking of people I know, the people in my community and even myself, I have a better understanding of what's going on. Imagine an area where majority of the people are living with only one or no parent, didn't wear Jordans or Rocawear (or whatever name brand kids wearing today in school), couldn't afford nice things, wasn't popular, had no hope for the future, become a product of their environment looking for acceptance and approval in all the wrong places and since sex is easier to get these days, everyone is doing it and when someone turns them down, they start hurting themselves and the ones around them in the long run. That's a whole neighborhood of hurt and broken people.

Well Im here today to tell you guys that you are not broken. You maybe hurt emotionally but that shouldn't be the reason you devalue yourself. You create your own reality. Your life really depends on your actions and how you react to any moment. Any moment you start to get upset because you lose all sense of purpose, don't feel approved or accepted by your peers, family or lovers, just remember as long as your heart is pumping, blood is running through your veins and your brain still functions properly, then you are still someone. You're a living breathing example that you can go through things in life and survive no matter what. Instead of getting angry and losing control on the people you love, stop to analyze your behavior, ask yourself why and what led to you acting this way and react accordingly. Fighting and yelling never solves any thing but if you can communicate what you're going through inside, we can all have an understanding of what we all want from each other.