Idiot BoyFriend: Chapter one

Six month later, I’m home alone on a Thursday night. Single, horny and bored. Laying my head on my pillow, I looked up at my phone searching through social media for an escape as I FaceTime my best friend Ashely on my laptop. “Men ain’t shit.” I continue to tell her.
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“You don’t even give men a chance!” she responds.

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“Every time I give them a chance, they prove they are shit.”

“It’s been 6 months since Bobby, you got to get back out there.”

​Oh, but I have. I been on countless dates. Mostly guys who slides in my DMs. Recently I met with a personal trainer I met on Instagram. We met up in central park. He seemed pretty normal. He was handsome, well-built and had a smile that could melt the sun.

The only thing he wasn’t really good at was keeping a conversation. He had a lot to say when he was texting me but as we sat on a nearby bench and sip coffee, he seemed like he had nothing to say at all.


“It’s a beautiful day today, isn’t it?” he asked me as if we weren’t sitting together for the last 15 minutes.


Come on bruh! Come up with something a little more original!


“Yeah, it’s pretty nice out here” I respond.


He takes a sip of his coffee and begins to become extremely animated once he senses I was getting bored of him.


“YOU DAMN RIGHT ITS NICE!” He blares out “It’s an extremely beautiful day! You got to live life to the fullest even when you’re just sitting down!”


“I guess you are right. We should enjoy life as much as possible” 

I had looked away seeing children being chased by ducks, wondering where their guardians were when I turned back to see him doing triceps dips on the bench.

“First rule to living life to the fullest is keep your heart rate high at all time” he grunts “Easiest way to do that is with quicks calisthenics!”

“That’s really good. You stay in great shape that way!” I retort hoping my encouragement would conceal my disgust for his “Macho Man/Beef Cake” attitude.

“Yeah, it’s the only way to live!” he says as he hops up and grabs two bottles. “All I drink is these smoothies. Here! I brought one for you.”
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I take the smoothie and begin to examine it. If the media can persuade me to believe America’s favorite TV dad was slipping pills in girl’s drinks, I can’t take any chances. It seemed pretty harmless, so I took a sip. 

“Hmmm... that’s pretty tasty” I tried to articulate to him as I continue drinking it. “What’s in it?”

“Some fruits, vegetables” ...

“Wow! All natural might be the way to go” I respond accidentally cutting him off. I had to hold my stomach as it begins to growl. Something wasn’t right.

“Are you ok?”

“No! What else is in that smoothie?”

“Nothing Just Fruits and Vegetables.”

He takes his smoothie and chugs it. His face becomes emotionless as he stares at the bottle.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him.

“That one is mine. It has laxative in it!”
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Without hesitation, I begin running away. I must have been on the toilet for 2 hours that night. Since then I’ve stopped searching for dates on social media. I did try dating the guys I’ve worked with or thought I could of did work with. There was this photographer who started working at the event hall/photography studio I used to work at. 

It was cool at first. We would hang out after hours, I would help him practice, testing out different lenses as I stroked different poses for him.


“You’re gorgeous!” he tells me as he takes my photos.


He comes over to me and sits beside me to show me the photos. He turns to me and I back look at him. Before I knew it, we begin to kiss. Just at that moment, I heard high heels stepping into the studio.
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“RICHIE!!! AGAIN!!??”

We both jump up.

“Who is Richie?” I thought to myself.

“I thought your name was Raul?” I questioned.
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“Who the fuck is Raul?” the woman inquires, looking at me for answers. That dude was like the modelizer in the first season of “Sex in the city”. You know, the womanizers who only date models? I was starting to get tired of these New York City men. I even tried talking the guys who have the courage to walk up to me on the street and ask me out. 

The other day, I found myself talking to a gentleman and we had trade numbers and smiles. He told me “I’ll def be in touch” and to be honest, I couldn’t wait for him to reach out to me. “I’ll be waiting” I told him as we walked the opposite direction. I felt good about the chance encounter. I couldn’t stop smiling...that was until my phone went off. I looked at screen of my smartphone and saw it was the guy I literally just met.


“Got nudes?” he texts me. My smile fades and I sucked my teeth. Another one bites the dust.
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“Girl, I’m tired of the games” I tell my best friend Ashley over facetime. I don’t need a man. I got me, myself and I. I can have a fulfilling life with a career and adopt kids if I have to, what do I need a man for?”


“You don’t want a man holding you, keeping you warm at night?” Ashely pleads.


The thought of it makes me laugh. “I think they got sex dolls for that now” I responded.


“Sex dolls can’t hold you tight at night without you programming it...I think...and if they can...that’s creepy”.


“I’m just saying Men are a distraction right now. I’m trying to get my finance in order so I can get my real estate license, start selling enough homes until I have enough to flip them on my own.”


“I hear you girl but Tyrone and I are going on a cruise next summer and I want you to come but not as no third wheel. Double date on the Caribbean seas you feel me?”


“Girl, I just don’t see that happening. The coins and the man ain’t there.” I tell her as I look over to my desk to see unpaid bills and credit card debt in two piles. One that says paid. The other says past due. The paid pile is empty compared to the past due.


“Are you even looking?”

“I’m looking at a dating app as we speak!” “And you see no one you like?”
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“They all look like bums or fuck boys...” I said speaking too soon. I come across a profile that catches my eye and sit up. “Oh, hold up wait a minute. I think I might have a contender”.

“Details! Details!” Ashley shrieks “Don’t horde the info!”.


“His name is Oshea...6’4. Works for an online media company, Drive a BMW. Lives in Williamsburg. In shape. 6 pack abs. No kids. Looking at his pictures, he seems to travel a lot too”.


“Girl, what are you waiting for?” “I ain’t waiting. Swipe right!”


As I swiped right, another profile comes up and I see these words written in caps that immediately gets my attention.


FREE FOOD. NO STRINGS ATTACHED. “What the...?” I begin questioning the profile.


“What’s up?” Ashely asks me, trying to see what I’m looking at through her computer screen.


“There’s this guy offering free food, no strings attached. His name is Jimmy”


Ugh, he already sounded like a loser.


“That’s random” Ashely replies.
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I continued to read the description on his profile. “Says he prepaid for a dinner for two on one of those groupon/living social site and lost his date and don’t have the appetite to eat both meals on his own.” I laughed. At least he was funny. 

“Is he cute?”


“Yeah he’s cute...Not much info about him though”.


I continued to swipe through his pictures. I couldn’t tell much about him based on his profile description and his photo album was filled with pictures of him playing games, reading books and dancing.


“All I can see is that he plays games, read books and dances a lot”.

“Sounds like he could be fun.” Ashley responded.

“He looks like he’s broke. Probably why he is paying for discount dates online.”


“Oh, come on! You already calling it quit and you haven’t even met him.” I hate when Ashely is right.

“If I meet a guy worth growing with, I won’t call it quits.” I tell her.

“I bet you call it quits within hours!” she retorts.


“How much you want to bet?”

“I bet you a stack you’ll find a reason to quit seeing a guy within 30 days”.


“Oh, you that confident that you can put a stack up? You got a bet! Now to find a guy to grow with”.


“What about the guy you’re looking at now? What restaurant did he pre-pay for? I bet it’s somewhere nice”


“It’s some soul food spot. Looks nice”.


“Take him up on that offer”.


I thought about it for a while. I wanted to back out of the bet before I shot myself in the foot but who could pass up a thousand dollars? I really needed the money... and all I got to do is deal with a guy for 30 days? We’re not even talking sex or kissing but just dating a guy. It’s a win-win situation.


“Alright. Fuck it. Why not?” I tell her, finally submitting myself to her plans. “It’s just one night. If I can see it grow, I’ll continue seeing him. If not, oh well. Free food. How bad can it be?”
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I spoked too soon.