Urban dictionary defines a side n***a as basically a man who wants to be with a female, but can't because she's in a relationship already so all he can do is just flirt, talk and do sexual things with her on the low. I should start off letting you guys know my love and sex life isn’t the life I chose, this life chose me. If I had it any other way, it would be very traditional. I would be a virgin waiting on his wedding day to have sex and be with only 1 woman forever but that’s not the cards I was dealt. From my first kiss to my first relationship, I always find myself dealing with girls who were “technically” in a relationship. Never by choice, I just attract women who are already taken. I don’t know if they see something in me that they don’t see in their man, if it’s just boredom but the women I have flings, one night stands or become friends with benefits with usually have a dude they call their own.
Prime example, a few Halloween’s ago I was invited into a party. I was too cheap to buy a costume so I threw on my twin brother’s chef jacket, a hockey mask and carried a fake bloody machete (a prop from one of my horror shorts) and called myself the “Killer chef”. A group of us went to the party in costume and the party was lit! I didn’t expect my boy to throw an actual party party but he pulled it off. There was women everywhere, drinks of all kinds and he decorated his place like a set of a Blumhouse horror movie. It was on point! So I’m sitting on the couch with a group of other people who came to the party. Cat woman, The Wolf man and Freddy Kruger to be exact. We’re taking shots, joking and laughing non stop and telling each other our own horror stories over the loud music when “Erykah” comes in. I didn’t know who she was at the time or the guy she came with so I had no clue their relation to anyone in the party. I just remember how they stood out. Not just because they came to a Halloween party without costume but because shorty was stacked! You know the song “Brick house” by The Commodores? I swear the moment she walked in, time slowed down and that song started to play. Shorty was built like one of the girls you would see modeling in “King”, “straight stuntin” or some of the other urban male magazines I used to buy before the internet became my source of all info and entertainment. Butt so big, you can see it from the front. Long jet black dreads, wide hips, thick lips and thunder thighs... but she came with someone so I pay more attention to the conversation I was already having with the group (plus I tend to stare when I’m under the influence).
As we somehow go from horror movies to anime in our drunk ramble-ton, they make their way through the party. As the guy said what up to my boy, I realize they knew each other from the army and the girl was his date. “Ah, she’s a dub” I told myself (meaning she’s no one to go after). Eventually they grab some drinks and somehow made their way onto the couch and join in on our conversation. I introduce everyone in character including myself as “killer chef”. Erykah ask where that character was from. I told her I made it up. Wanted to be original (and cheap). She thought that was cool being creative enough to make something up instead of coming with no costume at all (yeah, she was definitely throwing shade at this dude). I brought them up to speed to the conversation we were having (is “The Boondocks” considered anime or not). The guy was totally uninterested in the conversation. “I hate anime!” He declared “that shit is weird”. I shrugged. “Hey man, to each its own” I responded “I’m not a fan of anime myself but it’s a cool art form. You telling me you never enjoyed an anime growing up? No dragon ball z? Pokémon? Sailor moon?” (Literally the three anime shows I watched my entire life up to that point). “Yeah, don’t be so closed minded” Erykah tells him. As everyone begins to list their favorite anime, I walked away from the couch to get a drink. Plus I peeped what was starting to happen. This tends to happen a lot. Sometimes while hanging with a woman and her date (her boo, her man, whatever) I would catch her mentally comparing us. It’s why I no longer bring up that I create online content, make movies, write books, (etc) because once I present my lifestyle to certain people, you can see when the guys ego start to get in the way and he starts to become insecure and once he does something trying to seem bigger or “manlier” or starts to get physical with her unnecessarily (like randomly grabbing her butt or giving her a random unexpected kiss) she starts to compare us. It’s in the eye Chico, they never lie. So I pour myself a cup of warm whiskey fireball cider and start a conversation with the crowd in the kitchen. We’re cracking jokes and laughing our asses off when Erykah walks into the room. She asks me to pour her a drink and I do. She asks for my real name and we get to talking for a bit until I realized we were the only two left in the kitchen. Not trying to be suspect with my friend’s friend’s girlfriend, I tell her “let’s go back to the party, I’m hungry!”
We head back to the party and I start to ask about food. All this weed, women and drinks but he didn’t think about food. So I announced “ let’s order pizza” and started collecting funds from everyone (we ordered 7 different boxes of pizza that night). Everyone dance, got stupid drunk, sang karaoke and made fools out of ourselves, I found myself smoking alone (which I tend to do while I charge my social battery). Erykah walks over to me and begin to compliment me. From my creativity to my ability to hold a conversation and bring people in it and not make them feel bad about the things they like and how impressive it was to get everyone together to pitch in for pizza and deal with all the orders and got everyone singing karaoke as we waited. I shrugged. “It’s party, what else is there to do but to make sure we’re all having a good time”. She smiles at me. “You’re a cool guy” she tells me, “we should hang out”. Now sober me would of just gave her my social media but drunk me was like “fuck it, take my number”. My phone died during the party so I couldn’t take her number but my drunk logic was “if I didn’t reach out to her, no one can say I was trying to steal his woman. Can’t reach out to her if I don’t have her number”. She told me she will text me so I will have her number when I charge my phone. I said cool and kept it pushing. They left the party early and we said our goodbyes. I honestly didn’t think I would speak to her again. I give out my number a lot and I don’t always get a text or call back. We usually just become another number saved in our phone but never use and end up forgetting about until we go through our contact list and go “who the hell is this?” I was able to charge my phone before leaving the party and the first text I get is from her, telling me how much it was a pleasure meeting me. I told her likewise and asked her to let me know she got home safe. Phone dies right there.
The next morning, I’m sitting on the toilet recovering from my hangover when I turn back on my phone. As soon as it turned on, a message came through. Looked like She responded immediately last night and thank me for asking if she got home because apparently her date never made sure she got there safely. I tell her that sucks but she made it home and that’s what important. For the next 2 weeks we begin texting each other daily. She was also in the army but unlike her man, she wasn’t friends and didn’t serve with my home boy. She tells me she wasn’t really feeling him anymore. She got with him cause he was supposed to be stable, coming from the military and was almost 7ft tall, had rock hard abs and huge muscles (which confused me cause I was 5’9 with no muscle and a gut but for someone reason she wanted to talk to me) but his insecurities, his lack of discipline and no sense of creativity or adventure was turning her off. She hated he only spoke in slang/Ebonics and that he was uneducated for someone who went to college and wasn’t interested in learning anything new. She stayed with him because he paid the bills and live on the same army base but she considered him a boring loser with no substance. I asked her if maybe she was being hard on him, she said no. At first the sex was good between them but it stopped being enough in the long run. Muscles and good dick wasn’t enough to keep her attention. I hit up my boy to see if he was close to the guy she was dating. He said “fuck na, I barley know the nigga. We was just cool during our time in training. He ain’t the homie”. After he told me that, I felt like I had the pass to smash. She started to become a fan of mine and read my erotic novella, watched my digital feature and web series and listen to my podcasts. She told me she would listen to me as she fell asleep and how she was so curious of how my brain worked. She loved my sense of imagination and my ambition to build a entertainment empire, practice group economics and rebuild my community really turned her on but she had a man and she wasn’t going to leave him for me, which was cool. I told her I’m down with just being friends.
So a week later, I believe it was either the week before thanksgiving or Black Friday the following week she calls me and ask me what I was doing. All I was doing was smoking weed and playing grand theft auto 5 with my boys. I told her “nothing, what’s up?”. She tells me she’s going to be around my way and she would love it if we could hang out. Shes going to buy a bottle and she asked me what I wanted to drink. Only one thing came to mind. “Oh she’s coming over here to fuck!”. I told her I didn’t want to drink any hard liquor cause I had to travel in the morning so we decided to drink a case of blue moon. She came to my place in this thin lace black dress that splits down the middle, revealing those thighs and hips. As she walked towards me, I watched as her hips rocked side to side, watching that ass jiggle from the front, I had to think of any and everything to get my erection to go down. Knowing what time it was, my boys left immediately to give me and her some alone time. So here we were. Alone in my room, drinking bottle after bottle of blue moon until there was only 2 bottles left. She sat on my bed as I sat on my futon. She asked me why I was sitting so far so I got close to her. She tells me how happy she was that I told her to pull up, I remain nonchalant about it saying “yeah, we’re just two adults having a few drinks. Nothing wrong with that”. She nods her head and looks at the tv. She then lays down on my bed with her backside facing me and all I’m seeing is ass and thighs. She looks back at me and says “would you mind giving me a massage?”. Part of me was still being naive. Na, it’s just a massage. Don’t think nothing of it. So I begin at her shoulders. “Lower” she tells me. So I go low. I’m now massaging her waist when she tells me to be a little more gentle since I was a little too rough. As I continue to massage her, all I can see is her ass and thigh rocking back and forth. Her skin was so soft and she smelled so good, I almost didn’t even hear her when she asked me to go even lower. So now my hands are all over her ass and thighs and I am rock hard!
I promise you I was never soo hard in my life! You could axe down a tree with how hard my dick was. She must of felt the bulge because she turned over immediately, wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me closer for a kiss. Before I knew it, the lights were off, condom was on and I had the tv volume on blast, trying to drown out the noise of our slapping flesh and her loud moans since I had family home that night. This was the moment I learned big girls can really take dick. They can take dick for hours if you can keep up with them. I’m so used to dealing with small petite/thin women who tap out in the first 30-40 mins during sex but not Erykah. She came to play! Every position I wanted to do, she was down for it all. Missionary, doggy, leap frog, she was down for it all. I under estimated that ass as well. I thought I could take it but that booty was a work out! Her ass was soo big, I double the amount of strokes I usually do to make sure she can feel me in her hitting those walls. Now I’m not the biggest man of them all but I’m above the average dick size and even with my size (I used to lie and say it was 10 inches but it’s really 7 and a half inches...8 on a good day if I’m not drinking or smoking), even at that length I had to power drive into that coochie to make sure she can feel every inch cause that Booty pushed me back every time I stroked into it. I was going soo hard to bust a nut that night but it wasn’t happening for some reason. We went for hours with her climaxing several times but I could never reach mine. She ask if I was alright and if I was enjoying myself. I was. I was also out of breath. The sun was coming up and we both had work in the morning so I ended up just passing out inside her. The next day she called me to tell me how she could still feel me inside her but couldn’t be on the phone long cause her man was in the shower. She wanted to see me again. This time she wanted me to come to her place. She lived in a area 90 mins away from me. I wasn’t down for that trip but she told me she would make the trip worth it. I didn’t believe her but she did. I came to her place and just like before we went for hours but this time, I nutted all over her couch. She drained me out that night. It’s probably one of the best nuts I ever had!! I had her every where. On the kitchen counter, bent her over on the couch, her riding me on the coffee table, I fucked her in every corner of her house until she was K.O. I left not to long after. It was 3am and I could of stayed but I didn’t want to spend the night. I placed her comforter over her naked body as she laid there passed out in the couch. I locked the door behind me and drove back home (which was only an hour drive back). She texted me the next morning and asked why didn’t I spend the night and that she was hoping I would give her a ride to work. I’m like “Na boo, that’s your boyfriends job. You call me when you need other things that your man can’t provide” and that became our arrangement.
She would come over or we would meet somewhere and get busy when she needed a scratch itched. This went on for at least 2 years. She got in and out of relationships with other guys but I was always there on the side lines when she wanted a piece of that Haitian sensation. We don’t talk as much as we used to but she still calls me every now and then. Still getting with dudes she’s unhappy with but they take care of the bills. It’s cool tho. I’m not trying to take the role of the boyfriend anyway. To be honest, the amount of times I had sex with girls in committed relationships, it makes it hard for me to trust or take words at face value. So I guess that’s why I keep on the sidelines. No matter if their boyfriend has more money than me, rock hard abs, big dick and all, they still come to me at the end of the day. She wasn’t the first. She definitely wasn’t the last but I will say she was my favorite one of all. Long story short, I spent more years as a side nigga than I have with real relationships. It’s not the life I chose. It’s the life that chose me ??♂️.